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Thursday, 15 December 2011

Merry Christmas

Hi everyone...I am taking a short break over the holidays.  I want to take this opportunity to wish you and yours the happiest of holidays and all the best in the new year!! I'll be back with a brand new post on January 5th!  In the meantime, please enjoy a couple of my holiday favorites......; )

Thursday, 8 December 2011


I struggled this week with a subject to write about.  I've been listening to a lot of great music but not intently enough to write about it.  So I thought I might write about something else that's been on my mind, heartbreak, but really, how fucking depressing is that!  Then I thought I would take the lazy way out and just leave you the link to a dirty story I wrote, but fuck, I'm not the lazy type.

So I guess we're back to heartbreak.  I have made a deal with my head and my heart to never fall in love again.  And don't start thinking, "Oh Cat, you don't mean that" crap either.  I really do mean that.  But don't get me wrong, I'm not swearing off men.  I love men, I mean I really love men.  I love their bodies, I love their strength and I love their minds - especially when they're dirty, hehe!

I just don't want to give away that much of myself again.  I want my life to be my own.  I want to do my own thing.  I want control of the remote control!  What I need to figure out is how I can have my cake and eat it too.  How do you take what you need from someone else without giving something of yourself back?  Is it possible?  You know there's a comments box at the bottom of the page...if you have any advice at all, it would be very much fucking appreciated.

Fuck, I don't know how to do it!  And when a man is all of the above - sexy, strong, smart and dirty minded, well fuck, I might as well just break off a piece of my heart and hand it over to him!  Now you might be saying...well Cat, what's wrong with that?  Let me explain again...I want my life to be my own. I want to do my own thing. I want control of the remote control!

So eventually it's gotta end.  As a wise friend once told me, sooner or later it's going to be time to either move in or move on.  The worst part of it is - it fucking hurts to let go.  Fuck!  Considering I can't give up my passion for sexy, strong, smart, dirty minded men...and I want my own life, I have to expect that I will be hurting from time to time.  I guess I'll just have to deal.

But I don't want you to worry about me. There are actually a few tools I have learned about to help with this kind of heartache.  Let me tell you about them, perhaps you'll use them too someday.  First, I talk to people who really like me.  They tell me how fucking beautiful and smart I am.  Reminding me that I don't need to compromise who I am. And most importantly they make me laugh.

Second, I listen to music that lifts me.  For my last heartache, I called in the girls...Aretha Franklin, Janis Joplin, Macy Gray, Sass Jordan and I topped it all off with Bif Naked's "I Love Myself Today".  Fucking A.  These chicks know what I'm feeling.  If I'm feeling especially angry I'll bring in Alanis Morissette and her Jagged Little Pill album too.  You're never alone if you have someone or something to relate to.  In music you can find that something...always.

And last but not least...and my personal favorite...I find someone new to play with.  I don't need to be alone.  I am a sexy, attractive, and intelligent woman and there are a number of sexy, strong, smart, dirty minded men in this great big world.  I'll keep myself open to new adventures.  Who knows what I'll discover.

In the meantime...I am willing to take any new suggestions of dealing with heartbreak or better yet how to avoid it completely without giving up relationships.  And for those of you over 18 years of age that would still rather read my dirty story....DM me on twitter and I'll send you a link........; )    

Thursday, 1 December 2011

Will This Cat Cross His Path?

You know who I haven't talked about in a while?  Sully Erna.  In fact it's been months.  I bet he thinks I don't love him anymore...note to Cat - Sully doesn't know who the fuck you are, get over yourself! After all I have been talking about some fucking hot bands - Gift of Destiny, some fucking hot shows - Foo Fighters and how dark and ominous music fucking turns me on - Suboculis.

The truth of the matter is, though, he really has nothing to worry about...note to Cat - yeah! no fucking kidding! he still doesn't know who the fuck you are!  Sully still stars in most of my favorite fantasies - ooh la la!...note to Sully - I wanted to say something really dirty to you here, but everything I tried sounded fucking weird and stalker-ish so I'm just gonna let you know that your performance in my fantasies is even hotter than your performance on stage!

I've been thinking of Sully quite a bit as of late and no, not all of it has been dirty.  You see, I finally picked up Sully's book "The Paths We Choose....A Memoir."  I had to order it from the States...note to Sully - your book is not available in Canada! What the fuck?  I read the first 30 pages, put the book down in amazement, grabbed my post-it notes and started reading from the beginning again.

For as long as I have been listening to Godsmack, I have felt a connection to the music and an attraction to the voice relaying their message.  After listening to Sully Erna's solo album Avalon, well, I just knew that we would understand one another.   I also knew I had to know him better...and what better way to get to know a man better then to let him tell you his life story.

I returned to the beginning of the book because I was shocked by how many parallel experiences we both had and I felt a need to record them. Now I'm not saying Sully and I grew up in the same fact most of it's the complete opposite.  Our childhoods couldn't have been more different and yet we had very similar experiences. It was fucking freaky!

Let me give you just a couple of examples.  We'll start with the very first one I noticed.  On page 9 of The Paths we Choose, Sully writes about where he grew up:

                  "The Lawrence I remember was full of murderers, thieves, and rapists, and half the
      time those people were your next-door neighbors.  I've known young girls who got raped on
      the railroad tracks and watched them turn from wholesome schoolgirls into junkies."

I, myself, grew up in a number of small communities.  One of them being a small town just north of Edmonton Alberta.  Everybody knew everybody and the neighborhood was considered a safe place to raise a family.  At the age of 7, I was raped by my 13 year old babysitter.  I didn't tell anybody about it until I was 14.  I actually thought it was my fault because in my little girl mind I wanted this big boy to think I was pretty.  Well apparently he did.  At least it didn't turn me into a fucking junkie, but I do recognize it could of.  I've said before...the stock I was born from consisted of  sluts and addicts.

Who knows where my life would have taken me had I chosen the path with the partying rockstar wannabe boyfriend with the wild lifestyle.  In fact, I almost did choose that path.  The only reason I didn't was because I really fucking wanted to.  Even by the age of 16, I recognized that what I wanted usually ended up with me in fucking trouble.  So for a time, until I could trust my own judgement, what I did was the exact opposite of what I wanted to do.

I've used this kind of reverse thinking in other circumstances in my life as well.  My mother was never the maternal type.  We never bonded as mother and daughter.  I don't think my mom wanted to be abusive and neglectful, she just didn't know how to be a mom.  Plus she had her own problems that included control issues and alcoholism.  In my own experiences as a mother, whenever I have come to a point of indecision I think, "What would mom do?"  Then I do the exact opposite. So I nearly fell off my chair when I read in Sully's book pg 20 and 21:

                  "Now, I may not know everything about being a dad yet, but I do know what not
       to do through the experiences I've had with my father".....
       ....."At the time I didn't even realize that he had no clue on how to be a dad."

Throughout the rest of Sully's descriptions of his growing up I came across many more parallels including the fact that we both went to a number of different schools.  Now in Sully's case, it was due mostly to fighting and getting expelled from schools.  For me, it was because we moved around so much.  Regardless, we both know what it was like to always be the new kid.  I went to 13 different schools between Kindergarten and graduating high school.

I actually dropped out of school completely for a year after my ninth year.  I didn't struggle in school...I just found it so fucking boring!  When I adopted the earlier mentioned attitude of doing the opposite of what I actually wanted to do, I bit the bullet, returned to school and graduated three years later.

I loved that Sully wrote a small bit about his religion...Wicca.  He wasn't preachy about it but expressed a desire to resolve some misconceptions about the belief.  I myself do not belong to any religion, choosing instead to look inward for the higher power that is in all of us to find strength and guidance.  I try to take the most positive teachings from all religions and roll them into my own belief system.  And I do love the first law of Wicca - Do what thou wilt and harm none.  Seriously, how brilliant is that?  Go about your business, just don't hurt anything!  There is so much fucking pain and hate on this planet, why would anyone want to add to it. 

Admittedly, my favorite part in The Paths we Choose is when Sully writes that he has a soft spot for pretty blondes....note to Sully - look in the upper right hand side of this page!  Maybe not supermodel material but not fucking bad either!  I think if I had met Sully way back when, I might have caught his eye.  We might have gotten together and we probably would have broken each others hearts.  Damaged people tend to do that until they learn how to heal themselves.  For Sully and I both, that came later in adulthood after making and learning from many fucking mistakes.

I'm a little amazed at how two people who have lived such different lives can share so many similar experiences.  It's through our experiences that make us who we are, so even though Sully and I did choose very different paths we both kinda ended up in the same place - of mind.  That's right, we both love the band name Wargasm!  I am so glad I picked up this book.  I have such a better understanding of why I can relate so well to Sully's music, whether it is the group effort of Godsmack or his solo project.  I'm hoping one day, I might cross Sully's path and that we may have an opportunity to get to know one another.  I know we will be friends...note to Sully - with benefits, please let it be with benefits!.........; )